i don't know how to do it. i think i could've gone home with him. i don't want casual. i'm so trying to figure me out. it's almost a decade of my life. i don't know how to be single. i sorta want to. they are cute and too young. i want a partner. who gets me. que sera sera

(no subject)

As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable”- Wizard of Oz,to the tin man


promises... they don't work so well. trying to be what people need and losing me in the process. i want to be angry and loud.... but i see those people and it just seems silly. like a tantrum. i don't know the balance with expressing real needs and trying to blend in.

(no subject)

done. tired of being held hostage by the past. 5 years with someone else and all i can do is look over my shoulder at someone who treats me like shit. done. removed contact. don't want to know. all the best.


and i got so busy waiting for a yes.
waiting for you to
who i was
what i want...
that i lost my
i need it..
and i'm not
borrowing anymore
but mine


"and maybe it was about waking up again...a clarity and freshness and being able to appreciate desire for desire's sake. it's complicated. even if we pretend it isn't, but i guess that's okay. if the trade off is not getting to play now and then, i guess i'll have to take complicated. it isn't quite love. i'm not sure what it is.

unexpected. to know someone for so long and not think of them twice and go from that to semi-hard for days at a time just thinking about... whatever it is we do. some things seem like a good idea at the time and then don't pan out. i would love to have both... him for the mental. you for the physical and find the merge.

i play with too many scenarios in my head and then when it comes to group dynamics i stop knowing how to react. sometimes i'm able to put everything back into "normal" context and pretend i don't want to be all over you. sometimes i'm the fat girl with the hot jock... awkward, shy, unsure...

you were right. we are different in the dark. we're different away from the circle. i don't need everyone else to know this. i'm hoarding. it's mine. it's private. i try not to analyze this myself so i am definitely avoiding other perspectives.

but believe it or not, i get a lot out of it. so thank you."
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one of those...

i feel like a ghost today... i know things are happening all around me, but none of it's really registering.

think this will make the 4th time back to off again? he wants an emotional response and i don't feel like its valuable to have an emotional response to a situation that isn't practical, probably isn't sustainable and i don't know at what point it ever gets back to a place where it might be.

someone else wants to hang out with him. if i say we "are" something, then we try to make it work. all the thoughts say he should be dating someone else. he should be building a life in LA. we don't and haven't worked. the problem is every time we don't work, we spend time apart. then i see him and the emotional response kicks in...

we're supposed to talk tonight and i'm trying to stay practical. him leaving is probably the best thing for him. maybe for me too. 2-1/2 years later and...

i don't want to talk. i want to shut down.